Happy Life Day
Everybody! Or Not…
It came to my attention recently that there
was a Star Wars special that I had not seen. It is cleverly titled: Star Wars Holiday Special. You can learn
all the fun facts about it here:
I thought to myself, hey I have a week off, I
should try to fix this gap in my Star Wars Nerddom and add this wonderful piece
of the Star Wars verse to my fandom. My husband, who was not alive to see this
special on November 17, 1978 when it first aired (First and only time it aired),
but did watch it later in college, warned me against it. In fact, it was his
warning against it that made me want to watch it in the first place! I thought
to myself, “How bad could it be?” I mean come one, it’s Star Wars and a holiday
special. As a general rule, I love all things Star Wars, and all things
holiday. This mini-film was going to be a dream come true for me! One thing led
to another, and I sat in shocked silence staring at my computer screen wondering
what I had just burnt into my brain while my husband sat nearby doing his best
not to look as thrilled as he was for being completely and utterly right. I
hate when he’s right.
To all you brave souls who wish to
experience this piece of Star Wars Legend, beware, the road ahead is a
dangerous one filled with pain and suffering. It is, however, a journey every
self-respecting Star Wars fan has to go through at least once in their lifetime.
Consider it a rite of passage. May the
force be with you.
The following is my summary of each
section of this epic film and links of where you can find them in order on YouTube.
(You’re welcome. It took me forever to piece it together with all the pieces
that worked.) This hour or so of my life shall henceforth never be spoken about
again.
Part One: In which Han Solo and Chewbacca are in the middle of a
space battle with the Empire and Chewbacca’s family makes crazy sounds that
make no sense for about the first twenty minutes of this “movie.” There’s also an
attempted suicide by Chewie’s son and a demonic acrobatic show that lasts eight
hours.
Run Time: 9:59
Part Two: In which the cooing continues and Luke Skywalker and
R2-D2 make a cameo! Shenanigans ensue between Luke and R2 involving engines and
steam. You could say this scene gets pretty steamy
(I know I’m funny). There’s also a punny scene with a shopkeeper.
Run Time: 10:00
Part IV (Yes I know this it out of order, but these links have many
errors. Trust me, this is what comes next.): In which Malla (Chewie’s wife) is
watching a cooking show hosted by a guy in a dress with four arms and who gives
me nightmares, and I basically have no idea why I’m still watching. Abject
horror? Morbid fascination at how this could get worse. There’s also a space
battle. I think it’s stolen from Star
Wars: A New Hope.
Run Time: 5:09
Part V: In which we watch a scene from Star Wars: A New Hope and have a Big Brother moment with an imperial agent giving orders on a screen
in the Chewbacca family home. The punny guy from the shop shows up again. (How
does he keep getting work?) Also Grandpa Itchy has a very uncomfortable private
moment with a woman in his mind and I feel the need to cover my eyes.
Run Time: 5:18
Part VI: In which we get to see the conclusion to the uncomfortable
moment with Grandpa Itchy and his dream woman (oh joy). There’s also singing. Why,
dear God, why?
Run Time: 5:05
Part VII: Princess Leia and
C-3PO have their cameo, Wookie-Ookies come into existence, and Storm Troopers
show up with Nazi-like Imperial agents. Happy holidays.
Run Time: 5:14
Part VIII: In which somehow this show is still going and I just don’t
know why. Imperial agents are racist against Wookies and Jefferson Starship has
a cameo.
Run Time: 7:23
Part IX: In which I fall asleep because I just have no idea what’s happening or why
it’s important. Lumpy starts watching an original Star Wars cartoon which we’re
not allowed to see because Fox doesn’t want you to.
Run Time: 2:24
(Here’s an edited version of the cartoon I was able to find: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM_MR7sY2_8)
Part 9: In which we, for some reason unknown, travel to a cantina
on Tatooine, a weird guy pours liquid into a hole in his head, and an old lady
sings to space aliens. Ok, nothing will surprise me anymore. (I know the numbers are out of order, but we
might as well jump to this version to finish this off. As far as I can tell,
this is what comes next because Fox cut out what happens between the last clip
and this one.)
Run Time: 9:53
Part 10: In which the song is still not over! How can that
possibly be? Finally we’re back at Chewbacca’s house with his family (Joy, more
growling). Chewbacca and Han Solo magically show up, Yay! Stormtroopers die,
Han Solo is a softy, the Wookies growl at each other some more (enough with the
growling!) and Chewie and Malla share an awkward Wookie kiss type thing.
Run Time: 8:48
Part 11: In which Wookies light candle, transcend into space to a
special Wookie location. But oh look, Leia, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, R2-D2,
and C-3P0 are there too! Leia sings about love and peace and stuff. There are
trumpets, everyone’s happy, and we finally reach the blissful end of this
tragic piece of Star Wars history. Cue random cut scenes from Star Wars: A New Hope.
Run Time:9:57
Congratulations, you survived! I
feel closer to all of you now. We have all shared in a special kind of torture
that Star Wars nerds everywhere subject themselves too, because frankly, we
just can’t help ourselves. We must see it all! We must know and memorize every
piece of Star Wars canon out there! I don’t know of a better way to end this
then to just wish you all a very Happy Life Day filled with wookie love,
homemade Wookie-Ookies, epic space battles, and songs of love and peace sung
around the tree of life.
Now let
us all forget this ever happened.